Okay, we should all admit it. We’ve all done it rather we want to confess to it or not. We’ve all farted at work. For some people, it was intentional, and for others, not so much. Sometimes you can’t help it and it comes out anyway. Either way, it can be downright embarrassing, especially if it was in front of your higher-ups. Perhaps you're aiming for that raise. You've been so diligent and then one day, in the break room, you rip one, they give you a look of disgust and all you want to do is hide under your desk and never be seen again.
But don’t fret!
Here are the Top Ten Choices on concealing your next fart at work.
1. If you can, move away from it.
Let’s say you’re near the water fountain when you rip one. You didn’t mean to, it just happened. You can always walk away from the scene of the crime. This is what some people call “crop dusting." The glory in it is that if done correctly, you're doing two things: you're leaving the area so that it's hard to pin the blame on you and you're also "thinning" out the smell. Hopefully, the odor will disperse in time so that no one around you even knows that it happened.
2. Fart while surrounded by others.
There’s power in numbers when it comes to laying a stinky one in a crowd. Maybe you’re having a meeting, and everyone is within close proximity. If you happen to rip one in the middle of the group, put on your best poker face and act like you're discovering this foul odor for the first time like everyone else. Everyone will look around for the culprit but because no one is coming forward, there’s no one to blame. The smell will eventually go away, and business will continue as normal. Congratulations, you’ve fooled everyone (but yourself).
3. Conceal it with a more pleasant smell.
If you work in close proximity with others and happen to fart, you may not be able to completely conceal the smell, but you can at least mix it up with something that smells better. The most obvious option would be to use an air freshener. Lucky for you if you have access to one. If not, grab the perfume or body spray from your bag. Don’t go too heavy; one or two sprits will do. If you don’t have that, then grab some gum, candy, or a mint. After letting it melt a little in your mouth, lightly exhale around you and let the sweet smell slowly take over. You can also do this with a flavored or scented chapstick.
4. Go to the bathroom.
Sometimes you’re lucky enough to know that a fart is coming. If you’re blessed with this warning, do yourself (and your coworkers) a favor and take it to the bathroom. Not only did you avoid the embarrassment and anxiety of dealing with farting in public, but you also get to take a break. Take your phone while you’re at it. Take a breather. Play a game, check your social media, and thank your body for the warning.
5. If you’re alone, just let it out.
Working alone can be lonely, but when you've got to fart, it can be the most relieving thing in the world. It can make those late shifts into the wee hours of the morning that much easier because you don't have to worry about anyone coming around and smelling your embarrassment. You don't even have to be completely alone to relate to number five. If you've got a nice distance between you and your coworkers (or customers), just let it out. Hopefully, it's not a loud one!
6. Do it near something loud or make a noise.
If you’re on your feet for the entirety of your work shift, consider getting yourself to a place where there’s enough noise to cover your fart and blow it out there. If there’s a copier going, casually stand near it, do your business, and then walk away. Nearby construction work can be a total headache but can create the perfect place to let loose that fart you can't contain. If you're not lucky enough to have a conveniently placed noise while you fart, then make your own. The tried and true option is to cough or sneeze when you do it. Syncing them together can be difficult, but if you have no choice then just do it.
7. Go to work prepared for farting.
If you’ve had something with beans or spinach in it for breakfast and you know you’re going to be gassy at work, go in prepared. Take some spray with you to work. Toss that bottle of perfume into your bag. Take some candy or breath fresheners with you. Take regular bathroom breaks, especially if you need to use the bathroom. As gross as it sounds, relieving yourself will also relieve you of built up pressure.
8. If you know you’ll be gassy, consider reducing the probability of farting.
Alongside preparing for a gassy day at work, you can also prepare yourself by taking some …internal precautions. Pick up some antacids on your way to work. They help to reduce the acid in your stomach, which helps to reduce the potential for gassy build up in your body. Some people swear by putting some cayenne pepper into the water and drinking the contents slowly. Consuming ginger has also been used by some to help with gas.
Throughout the day, keep yourself from adding to the gassy feeling. If possible, don’t eat anything with foods like beans, spinach, prunes, peas, Brussel sprouts, apricots, and asparagus in it. Starches, kinds of pasta, and certain grains can also add to the buildup.
9. Clench those cheeks!
You may be able to avoid a fart coming out if you’re able to clench your cheeks in time. But sometimes the buildup is so bad, that it still leaks out. That’s the point of clenching your cheeks – you’re letting it out a little at a time. The good thing about this is that it reduces the overall smell. You may even be able to keep others from noticing the smell altogether because it begins to disappear just as quickly as it begins to come. This can work especially well if you have a chair that's got a pillow cushion.
It should be noted that if you’re able to spread your cheeks a little more than usual, this can also help. It’s the opposite of clenching as you’re allowing it to have maximum exposure, which will (hopefully) make it disperse a lot sooner. The problem with this is that it’s very difficult to do this without someone noticing. And if you’re alone, you may as well just go back to number five.
10. Just own it
Truth be told, we all have bodies, so we know how remarkable and at times disgusting they can be. You can always take the high road and own your fart. Apologize to those around you, and then make some effort to remove the odor. Walk from the area, or fan it away from everyone. Some people may be disgusted, but others will appreciate your honesty. Heck, you may even realize that your boss isn’t as worried about such things and that’s one less thing for you to stress out about when at work. We’re not saying that you should be careless and just break wind in front of them whenever! But you don’t have to go out of your way and be embarrassed about it or make such a big deal over it in the future. We’re all human. Accidents happen.